Close to You

I’ve been writing letters to you that you’ll never receive. Stuffed in a drawer, stamped with an address written across the center of the envelope. Each page drenched with ink, filled with concerns and complaints. Fears and insecurities. Sealed with kisses and quotes. Hoping that the message goes somewhere close to you. 

I’m doing just fine. Great actually. Laying somewhere in-between hopes and dreams. Clinging on to faith and onward possibilities. Repressing repulsive memories of failure. Biting less of my tongue, feeling less of anything towards anyone. Rihanna’s got me feeling shit. Adele reminded me I was living it. Remembering that this was only supposed to be temporary. But God doesn’t make mistakes. So mi halffi work, work, work, work, work…

It’s Not You, It’s Men.

This interview hits so many key points that I have also found an interest in:

  • How much does your faith to God contribute to your ideal relationship?
  • Will abstinence build a stronger foundation (or bond) during the dating course?
  • Do you consider waiting to have sex before marriage a greater risk (challenge) than the experience of knowing what to expect?
  • Does sex evaluate, compliment or overlook the lack of mental, spiritual or emotional stimulation?
  • Are woman’s need for validation the reason why some men fear marriage?
  • Do I love you more than I know you?
  • Is it true that, behind every great marriage is a great mistress?
  • Where do your commitments lie?
  • How does the concept of men degrading a woman any differ from women degrading men?
  • Is living together before marriage acceptable?
  • Would a different translation of the Bible change the outlook of the guideline of our faith and the understanding of love?
  • When did you transition from the being considered immature to becoming “I’m Mature”?
  • Why are men scared of commitment?
  • Are double standards the cause of men’s fear to commit?
  • Do woman give up on men too quickly?
  • What is your point of reference to what a marriage is?
  • How can you naturally know how to be something you were never raised by?
  • How do you identify what a wife is if you’ve never had a blueprint or point of reference?
  • As woman, are you ready to mentally, spiritually, emotionally and sexually hold a man does as a wife or are you just looking for a ring?
  • If you were stranded on an island and you could bring a person or a thing, who or what would it be?

 

Check out their show on Saturday, Jan 23rd at 9pm on the OWN Network.

Nothing

This is a poem about nothing. 

Within the dark of the abyss, ones light is recognized. 

A light shown for all the world to see, a beam so bright filling the emptiness. 

As it vibrates throughout the atmosphere. Who shall hold on and cling within its presences?

Time enfolds within itself and space becomes a comfort to all those in reach. 

For in reach becomes comfortable in the space. And time burst without measure. How beautiful, the sight as our senses tingle.

Our minds form imagines and our hearts race from joy. The light consumes us and we were reborn. 

With all this knowledge what can we do? Our enthusiasm rockets off as satellites going to space. And tears that we produce helps us grow crops of mental food that is essential. 

We eat. We learn. We grow. We stand tall. We accomplish the impossible. We become the unstoppable. 

We conquer, we lift ourselves high. We triumph. For as we are reborn it’s just as a Phoenix.  

Burning brighter than the light within us, we become the light but emerge into anew.  We take form of the beginnings of eternity.  

For our minds are entangled with many thoughts, different views but each compliment others souls to live and learn, laugh and cry. With my outstretched hand I see you eye to eye, not to look down upon to raise you high. 

We are nothing but form into something. We become more than we could ever imagine. We become light. 
Written By Myself and Nikolai Wilds

Cinderella, Where’s Your Story?

For years I found myself auditioning for the role to be the best Cinderella. By living vicariously through her, she told me my dreams of my future were wishes my heart made.

Didn’t have to tell me twice, I ran with that, had it all planned out. Wedding ideas set…’arrive in a carriage with horses’ ‘cinderella gown, glass slippers and hell, let’s throw in the crown’ ‘white and red themed ensemble – white representing purity & red our flaming love’.  From the table arrangements to the flowers settings, my Cinderella plans were on going and up to par.

Then I messed up. Got caught up and ended up walking out with both glass slippers…no Happy Ending to attend. All because I forgot one thing, the most important fact, Cinderella just wanted a “good damn time”. She worked hard and took pride in herself. She was courageous and kind. Always believing in the impossible. Most importantly, she was the love that she never received.

Sure. It’s all fine and dandy to have dreams. To take a leap of faith and try to live them, but with the wrong intentions you’ll end up like Cinderella’s step sisters, desperate and alone. I’d rather be like Cinderella, who said, “even miracles take time”. So I’m waiting with my ideas locked away.

One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions. I hope he knows I’m ready to meet him. And as for Cinderella, she’s proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.

the A.M blues

I think I taught myself how to be a better me without even realizing it. As if it were a self cleaning, 21st century, light and portable…yeah, I have no idea where I was going with that.     Honestly, it’s like I drowned, but lived and resurfaced with crinkled skin, took the L and kept pushing until it smoothed itself out. Now I’m Me 2.0 or 3.0…damn, did I lose count?       I just HAD to see the world differently. 

Sometimes I look back at time and say, “damn, I really failed myself.” Despite the fact that it was truly others who failed me, I learned to accept that they only did so because I allowed them to.    “And God, how misery makes people explode into blinding rays of light.”     I believed in myself. In my destiny. In God and all His plans for my life

“Pain is begging yourself to hold on for another day
. It’s pleading to hold on long enough to see tomorrow
 because maybe, just maybe, it might be better than today.” So each day, I do. And it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.     But I know where I am now is not where I want to be. That’s my motivation. 

Each day I force myself to let go of pieces of you.     “I would choose to embrace loneliness rather than become it.” But by doing so, I reformed it. Understanding that I’m not lonely because I miss you but because I miss the idea of you.     2016 is my year. I swore this year was ours. So here I am taking the L again. No presents for me on Christmas. No one to kiss on New Years. No ones Hotline to Bling when I wake up in the middle of the night. Just me. Not the me you forced me to be but the me I’ve accepted was the only me I could ever be.

6.3.12

She looks to me with eyes that gives way to the sight of a damaged soul.
Eyes that have seen and recorded the experiences of her life that have then such damaged.
Experiences that she has locked away to the saving of her soul.
Locked away but yet seems to be the eternal torment of her mind.

A mind that is tormented with every passing night.
With every passing night her restless body finds no peace.
Peace is what she so desperately needs as her body sways with fatigue.
A body that suffers in every possible disposition as her mental collides with her physical.

She looks to me and my resolve stands true.
True to the hope of the future we will build together.
A future built by the love that we have shared and will continue.
Shared in a partnership that we have made with our union to never be unbroken.
as one we stand against the wilds of her experiences, memories that taunt her so.
Unlocking, removing together the torments of her mind.

With each passing day we will grow stronger.
Finding the peace that is so desperately needed.
Finding the peace and gaining the strength to endure all.
With our bodies as one, no more suffering only serenity.
A bliss that can only be found in the love that we share.
I will be a part, do my part to end all mental and physical disparities she may encounter.
For as she looks to me, I am hers to look to.

23

Dear 23 You,

Happy Belated Birthday, Sugh. You are a year older and each day that has passed, you’ve become a bit wiser. 

This is my gift to you, the New Year is approaching and there a few things you need to let go of, a few things you need to accept, understand and learn.

  1. Trust God. Have faith. Remember no matter the situation, you have purpose. Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.
  2. Don’t seek, don’t search, don’t ask, don’t knock, don’t demand – relax. If you relax, it comes. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, you start vibrating with it.
  3. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He’s the one who will keep you on track.
  4. Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.
  5. It’s okay to be sad, but try not to forget about what makes you happy.
  6. Stay away from people who make you feel like you’re hard to love.
  7. Don’t waste another minute dealing with a toxic, negative, energy-draining person. Some people are wired for negativity. They love being argumentative, combative and abusive. Run for your life as quickly as possible.
  8. Your naked body should only belong to the person who falls in love with your naked soul.
  9. If you want good things to happen in your life you first have to believe good things are possible for yourself. Quit allowing negative and cynical thinking to get in the way of the good life you deserve.
  10. You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god’s sake! Stop seeking validation.
  11. Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.
  12. Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.
  13. Everything you feel to say, say it. DO NOT hold anything back. Nothing you feel should be subjected by the fear of a reaction.
  14. You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.
  15. Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.
  16. You will move on. You will let go of him. Don’t beat yourself up because you haven’t yet. Give yourself time.
  17. If you want to be proud of yourself, then do things in which you can take pride.
  18. Always give people the benefit of the doubt – but if something feels off, trust your intuition.
  19. At the end of the day, all you have is yourself and that has to be enough.
  20. Believe people when they show you who they are the first time.
  21. Never stop believing in love. No matter how much it hurts.
  22. Be patient with your plans. Be grateful for your opportunities. Stay awake, pay attention. Escape. Commit. Keep moving. Keep asking. Raise a glass for the wins, raise a glass for the losses. The good news is, you are strong enough to get knocked down and then try again.
  23. In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.