I think I taught myself how to be a better me without even realizing it. As if it were a self cleaning, 21st century, light and portable…yeah, I have no idea where I was going with that. Honestly, it’s like I drowned, but lived and resurfaced with crinkled skin, took the L and kept pushing until it smoothed itself out. Now I’m Me 2.0 or 3.0…damn, did I lose count? I just HAD to see the world differently.
Sometimes I look back at time and say, “damn, I really failed myself.” Despite the fact that it was truly others who failed me, I learned to accept that they only did so because I allowed them to. “And God, how misery makes people explode into blinding rays of light.” I believed in myself. In my destiny. In God and all His plans for my life.
“Pain is begging yourself to hold on for another day . It’s pleading to hold on long enough to see tomorrow because maybe, just maybe, it might be better than today.” So each day, I do. And it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. But I know where I am now is not where I want to be. That’s my motivation.
Each day I force myself to let go of pieces of you. “I would choose to embrace loneliness rather than become it.” But by doing so, I reformed it. Understanding that I’m not lonely because I miss you but because I miss the idea of you. 2016 is my year. I swore this year was ours. So here I am taking the L again. No presents for me on Christmas. No one to kiss on New Years. No ones Hotline to Bling when I wake up in the middle of the night. Just me. Not the me you forced me to be but the me I’ve accepted was the only me I could ever be.