Loving Myself

Amongst the millions of things swarming my head at the moment, I have to admit, I miss you. I’m not sure if this feeling in my chest should hurt but it does, it does everytime I think about the you that no longer exists in this world. It feels like needles are being stuck inside my thin layer of skin, puncturing me like old tires wearing away as the time goes by. Along with other things, sleeping is hard to do, not only because of the aching empty feelings but because your pale face surfaces in my mind with those bright brown eyes and kissable lips everytime o close my eyes. It’s a shame, a damn shame that I have to question myself if I can let go, forgive, move on, or even forget you. What saddens me is my lack of reason on deciding why I have to. No matter how hard I try, I can’t erase the past, just learn from it. I guess that’s my problem, I try to supress all that I can that doesn’t fit it my routined life but fail to remember that even dead bodies start to float after a while. Now your just watching me miss you above the stars, how fair is that.

On a brighter note, I have him to keep my mind somewhat at ease. It’s funny because I find myself holding on to him for dear life, praying on good faith that God watch over us and our love ones. I pray for mercy, joy, love, everything and anything that will keep us together. I pray for happiness, I even pray for healing, for mental restoration, for peace. But sometimes I feel like my prayers are only whispers in the air with no destination.

Dark nights. Bright mornings. There is so much on my mind that I can not write nor can I verbalize. The things that I live for now are the things I hope to cherish forever, like me loving him with all the love I can give.

If angels can read, if you are listening, know that I’m trying to get better, know that it takes time to learn how to, know that I’m not forgetting to love myself.

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1 Comment

  1. I love that we can make connections between seemingly dissimilar things. We do this with emotions and colors, for instance– yellow is happy, blue is sad, and red is excited. I like doing this with seasons, and since autumn is my favorite season, I decided to share a list of things that I’ve been loving for their autumn-like qualities.All things pumpkin, especially these:the pumpkin cupcakes at Cupcake Royalethe pumpkin bread that comes from a box at Trader Joe’s (T.J.’s has taught me to never underestimate the quality of boxed mixes.)the pumpkin spice candles I’ve been burning in my roomA variety of music that feels oh-so-fall:Joni MitchellBon IverThe WeepiesIron & WineJessica Lea MayfieldBand of HorsesWendell Berry’s poetry, which is appropriate for every season but feels especially good on a cold, rainy, subdued eveningChai tea lattesKnittingThen there are those things that are directly associated with fall that I can’t get enough of as well…scarvescrisp aircollege footballchanging leavesAhhh, I love you, Autumn.

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