Now or Never

“Us” is what I wanted to fix because we’re far from fine, far from getting better but now “us” is something I want to get away from. Last night I gave you two options, to fight or let go and you chose the latter without actually choosing it. You say you want time but can’t explain what time will do for us, rather for you. You know what’s so funny to me, last night I almost thought I hated you, I even said it out loud and felt as if I meant it but right now, I don’t know, I feel like wasting that much hate on a person that doesn’t even want to talk to me is a complete waste of time. You really are losing me and it’s a shame that you don’t realize that because if you rather push me away at your lowest, what’s the point of being unbalanced and only sharing your good moments. I don’t know you as a whole, I know you as a semi-formed person with multiple personalities. In the end, I stood there fighting and you, well you, need “time” to think your decisions over. This is what we really get, loneliness, pain, hurt, anger, you more than myself because those emotions live within you; they fight within you like a battlefield, only because you allow it. Today I don’t want to be bothered with the thoughts of you because right now I wish we never happened, I wish I wasn’t fighting for “us” when “us” feels like it was never meant to be. Right now, I just want to get my kind of high and forget the pain of “us” that is stabbing me in the chest, moving closer to my heart. Right now, I do hate you. I hate you for taking time for yourself but not for us because the sad thing is we’ve been here before but we always talk through it. I know I’m messed up but you, you’ve been fighting demons alone since the day your dad died and it’s a shame that you feel as if you have to continue fighting that way because by you wanting to be alone is merely your own decision. You remember what you said to me the night when I got my bad news, “LET IT GO, HE’S GONE.” Maybe those words don’t apply to you. The guy was more than a “friend” to me, at one point, he was my everything and if it werent because of significant circumstances that separated us, it would have been him over you. So please don’t think for a second I can’t compare because death is death, it all feels the same. I told Matt that I cut it all off for you, everything and even was conforming myself to settle for your happiness because you don’t realize what it is that you’re doing. Maybe one day you’ll figure it out but until you are proven innocent, my dare  you’re guilty of breaking “us” up, causing us pain and leaving everything were it lies. I would take some of the blame too but remember in the end, I stood there fighting. 

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