She feels as if this has turned from love to lust. Finding no reason to work to keep any fire burning but simply just being there. He uses her what ever he can’t get from his wife, he used her for those exact things; drugs, money, sex all of which his wife wouldn’t condone. But she feels really sick, her stomach keeps turning and she feels nauseous, so sick she was is bound to throw up. She calls him. No answer. Like a fool he calls back asking, “what happened?,” as if he was prepared to only hear the bad never caring to hear the good. She wanted to say, “I’m leaving you, you don’t deserve me, and I pity your wife because doesn’t deserve this,” but she didn’t; she couldn’t rather. She feared to be blunt and direct with him. Feared losing a man who was not truly hers to begin with. With no need to stay, the conversation quickly ended; him leaving her alone in the dark, her wondering when he’d call back, if he ever would. She couldn’t leave him or ignore him, nor would ever try moving on from him for her heart was too big, desperate and separated from reality. Although the sickness was getting the best of her, she tugged along for the ride, fought for what ever was left between them, even if it was nothing. She deserves to feel shamed, pitied upon and thrown around like a rag doll but to her, she cares no less for him because when he says to her, “I love you,” it erases her memories, the hurts, the pain and the shame only to start all over again.
The passage I wrote about is an illustration of a woman in so much pain. One who forces herself to love that a man who would never love her the way she deserves. This depicts any type of abusive relationship; ones that hold women captive, sometimes against there will, other times because they have no where else to turn. Some women stay because they fear loving another or haven’t found time to love themselves enough to leave. It’s as if they’ve neutralized, mentally training themselves to adjust to the situation because they don’t know better or have never experienced better. Some may just fear leaving the situation and being alone. Trembling the thought and fearing the idea of being drug back after fighting so hard to leave. The fear of not knowing how to love anyone other than that individual also plays a major component in what hinders women from removing themselves from such a painful environment. With lack of self-esteem, lack of encouragement and guidance, some women are bound to be subjected by anyone or anything that shows her enough attention, gives her enough materialistic desires, tells her enough words that warms her heart and curves her soul. Some women have nothing else; no loved ones, no friends, just themselves. It all starts somewhere, it may have started with kids bullying them in school or them not being shown enough attention at home; it all starts somewhere. I just wish some women had the power stop it, had the power to let go of painful memories, let go words and gifts and anything that remind them of their abuser. It’s starts here, it stops here. Vow to love yourself, start to love yourself and show others that you don’t need them to love you because you have that all covered. This topic is so touching to me that I can’t expound as I want to, as I should but as much encouragement that I can give through words, I will give. Let this be your motto, “find the end and start with a new beginning, love yourself as God loves you.”