Friendship

I married him…in my head, with my mind, with all my soul. It’s not a crime so why am I stressed about the little things like touching him, he’s mine; rightfully mine. I understand that we’re young, that their concerned and even that what our hearts desires right now may change in the future but as I’m trying to live for ‘now’, judgments, ridicules, and ‘no’s’ are being thrown my way. I love him. It’s my right to love him, so let me love him. He believes I tend to handle uncomfortable situations a bit drastically, I agree and am now struggling to work, its a self-esteem past issue. They believe I need to talk to him differently, I agree that when we talk, it should be more private. It just upsets me, this mess. Not fully being his but wanting to be so badly, not for sex or the mere physical aspects but just to prove them all wrong. My brother said to me, 1+2=3. Right now I just want 1 thing, the love, being loved but not making love. I told him to teach me how to love him as I have taught him how to love me. It’s hard fully loving someone who is so close minded, I feel like I tell him so much only to get a few words from his end. Men, right? I just want to know where your head is and I continuously ask you to open your mind to me but as you progress, you decline, becoming a contraction in itself. I need you as much as I desire to give all of me to you but am I getting all that you are. That’s the thing with us women, we want to know what it is that we have, wanting to be in control but allowing the men to feel empowered. We want to be what they desire but in return we want what they can give. I want all of you but here I am still feeling like I don’t know where it all is. Yes, they see the greatness in you. They hear the sweet words, they see the gifts you give and I see and hear them too but that’s from the outside in, what do I get from the inside out? Maybe it’s me over thinking it, over looking the little things, or maybe you’re really holding back all that you can give. I don’t know, I never know. We need to talk more about our feelings and how to understand one another better but, as they say, we’re young, still learning and according to my mother, this love is a ‘friendship’.

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