So Tired

Among other things, you should know to be there when all hell breaks loose in my life and all I have left are false hope, silent prayers, wells filled with tears and nights without you physically here. Among those things, you should know to call me back after my voice gets shaky, or when I hang up, to get off your ass and move to a place you can hear me better to know that I’m far from “fine” and “okay”. You should know to call back until I answer but 9 times out of 10, I wont pick up on the first ring.

I’m just a girl. A girl who runs from comfort but knows damn well I need it. Who lies to herself just to make things seem right but truly knowing things aren’t. A girl who vents repetitively until the tears stop coming or the tears stop her words from forming. I know it’ll be okay, I know it’ll take time but I don’t know how much I can take, how much longer I can pretend or even if I want to anymore.

After reading this, you’ll call, I’ll probably be in the shower crying some more and come out ready to lie down, my teary face on a pillow my arms wrapped around my pooh bear and lie waiting until the voices stop yelling in my head and all my thoughts lead to you. I just wish you knew me well enough to tell when something is wrong. I shouldn’t have to tell you, you shouldn’t have to ask but you should know and when you realize I’m falling apart, you should be able to distract me and hunt down the pieces and stuff them back inside me. I ‘m going to deny it with words like “I’m fine” or “I’m okay” but you should know I’m lying.

I’m just so tired, so so tired. Tired of searching for peace when peace doesn’t want to be found by me.

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