Finding a Reason

‎”Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.” Matt 6:34.

The bible says it so plainly but our souls make it so complicated. It’s harder to not worry but rather easy to worry, for when we see all that we face, it is hard to turn away and proclaim victory in a fight we feel we have already lost.

I need encouragement. I need to feel as if there is something to fight for and my boyfriend always tells me that the fight is for a “better life, with him” but in all honesty, I feel as though I have him, that battle has already been won; its peace and joy I have left to fight for.

I am weak. So weak that my tears are loose with command, my body aches in misery and my laughter’s crumbles into fears of not making it throughout ONE SINGLE DAY. We should be able to take it day by day but I have yet to make it through one graceful minute before my chest starts to ache and my eyes start to water.

This battle is not my own, I know but I feel so weak and unhappy that this battle has become me fighting against myself. Words said to me are just words that hold no water and my smiles are just frowns upside down because I am broken, I am scattered and I am alone. Alone with so many people around me, people who claim to care and show love through words just don’t seem to be enough.

Where do you turn when you feel like all that you’ve once found joy in is now what hurts the most? When happiness never settles within you because you’re overpowered by darkness, sorrow  and distress? Where do you turn when all you want to peace but peace never finds you?

I yearn for peace.

I long for joy.

I plead the universe and God Himself to find where all that was stolen from me lies.

Through it all, I long to find myself and a reason to go on.

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