Refusing to let a single tear drop I allow them to well in my eyes, slowly closing them before they pour. My skin burns, I unravel myself from the cocoon nest like mess I placed myself in. My movements slow and my head feels light like I’m falling or fainting, I’m just not stable, its happening again. It’s too quiet, I shift slowly to hear the ruffling of my clothes as they clinch to my skin against the bed, soothing the white noise in my ears. It’s dark, I face the computer screen and watch him stare aimlessly through me, taking in all of him in just one second.
I don’t know what to call this anymore.
The shadows stare as I hug my sheets searching for warmth I can’t even find in my own heart. I need him. I graze my cheek with the warmth of my hand, hoping to recap a memory of him performing the same gesture. I fail, horribly and as my stomach began to turn, my eyes begin to well and the silence hits me again, its happening again. My head is now light and my body sways as the air catches me and flows with me back into balance. I’m cold. The numbness reaches my chest and suddenly I can’t feel my heartbeat. I’m dizzy. “I swear I don’t do drugs,’ I confess to the air as my body, now limp, gives way and collapses on the bed.
What’s happening to me? The feeling seems so familiar yet I have never felt it so strong. Sometimes I wish I could name it, today I will; I’m feeling my nameless emotion.