Hopefully

I haven’t cried like that in years, crying to the point of an headache with no external cure but to sleep but as if it wasn’t good enough I’d wake to the darkness, nothingness, the bear silence just to prove that I am nothing but alone.

The people who called weren’t important but the one important placed God in my place and envy should never rest in my for doing such a thing but to say you dislike one thing but allow it to steal you away from me hurts like hell.

I’m selfish, heartless, lifeless, simply alone; all because I’ve allowed myself to care so much.

I sound depressing, insane and as a child with no self-control, morals, friends; a child with no home. I feel empty. I admit it.

Talking only opens wounds that my little hands forced myself to push back in and to close. Crying causes headaches and makes me sleep at hours too early only to wake at hours too late without having the strength to sleep again because then, I’d finally realize there is no one to wake up to.

I’m not upset because he chose to do this, I’m upset because we live in two different worlds and I don’t have the choice to do this with him. Seems like fate takes him away from me every second I need him and I lean on shadows and memories that only do so much at a time. I’m miserable and although I was invited out to “club” and have fun tonight, my mentality resists because I’m afraid of leaving this room to face the world, holding on to a faint faith that he will run coming home to me. It’s sad how over imaginary I can be, how my body reacts with emotions and causes me to feel sick, weak, weary on the brim of the toilet throwing up anything my body consumed.

Yes, it’s sad.

But no, I am not upset because he did this. I am upset because I depend on him to be here for me so much that I  forgot to be here for myself. I forgot how I took care for myself for years without letting anyone in but now that he’s here and he promised never to leave me, I left myself stranded holding him to his promise.

I’m not upset. I’m just dead inside.

Some days everything makes sense and life feels worth living but others I wonder what’s taking God so long to end it. But a part of me still smiles because that’s what you do, you pretend everything is alright, you never let anyone in, you pretend you can ever love yourself the way he promised you he will, you pretend to care and eventually, you will.

Hopefully.

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