Afraid

He said to me that my presence was never forgotten. Reminding me that his love was still there, speaking unimaginable words such as, “I love you,” “I need you,” “I’ve been missing you since the day you left me”.

It’s been years.

4 years.

It wasn’t as if I haven’t spoke to him during those 4 years but my primary thought was avoiding him but now I think he finally caught up. His voice struck me so deeply that I felt my heart drop to the floor. He was back in town and he wanted to see me; my mouth still closed, eyes wide open, heart beating irregularly with the faint feeling of panicking. All I could see happening wasn’t good nor was I second guessing his offer to see me, I just wanted his voice to go away but I couldn’t ponder enough strength to hang up the phone.

How did he get this number?

Everything flashed back through my mind as if it was relapsing to happen again, as if I were his, and he mine, in a place where abuse came naturally, a place where joy was a sin and his words, although brutal, sounded like words spoken from God Himself. Fear rose and trickled through my body as if he was staring at me through my 2nd floor window, peeking at me while I curled in a ball and cried my eyes out, it all hurts.

Worse part is, my love is on a 30 hour trip to never-never land & I’ll never reach him fast enough for him to save me from dying.

I’m scared.

Afraid of him connecting the dots that lead to roadways and back roads, dots that lead to buildings with labels and signs with numbers, which reaches to me. Afraid that I’d sit and allow him to kiss me or touch me because if I tried to resist he’d spit and call me names no one could resist.

i. am. afraid.

Afraid to love and to hope that this was just ONE CALL and that it won’t be a trigger to memories, that trigger of choke holds and death stares or of things I can’t speak of but can only imagine.

I am afraid but I’m also alone so if I were to find myself in the arms of a man who claimed to “love” me then I may as well stand on top of a bridge and pray to God I die before I hit the ground because at this point, nothing seems to matter.

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