I wrote to you but never sent it. I convinced myself it was better undelivered than questioned.
I’m struggling to understand how to speak to you, to people in general, being as confided and concealed as I am, it’s far easier said than done, then again it’s not easy at all.
There are times I need you just to be there, bringing me words of comfort, joking about the joys our life will bring. Times when I will speak profoundly when my heart desires and not at the time of my weakness, you have to understand. We all deal with our problems differently, mature differently, live differently but with death, it’s all the same.
My eyes leaked and my mind rebooted every 3 hours without cause, apparently my heart is trying to say what my mouth can’t but without words it takes time to encrypted, in result, all I get are tears, false alarms and the yearning desire to be comforted physically by you.
I find myself needing you when your timing conflicts my needs, having to wait for hours at a time until the convenience of your time. At that time, my heart has settled, nerves controlled and mind overwhelmed with joy at the sound of your voice. In conclusion, I’m better off processing things alone for now.
We both know that our minds can’t handle the distance, finding ways to show love through our words is all that we have. Being so use to neglecting the help from others I fight against myself and learn from mistakes all in one battle, a battle I have learned to defeat throughly after each victory.
So I’m fine.
I’ve learned to accept your exhaustion after a long days work, to control my tears from slurring my words. Learned to be strong on my own for the sake of others. Learned to live not only for others but for myself.
Don’t take this as a request to fight this on my own, just understand that I’m learning how to strengthen myself preparing for when I’m all I have.