I admit I missed you.
Its been a while since I’ve spoken about unimportance to a person who would stick through the silence for hours until I fell asleep; eventually waking up to you silently gazed in your own dreams, hanging on as bestfriends do.
Maybe you’re right, we need to let go of the past but I feel as though the way we hypothetically agreed to give up on an “empty grudge” to start over was a bit sudden and random, if I may add.
Not that I don’t want that.
When you left, I erased almost everything of what I held of you in my heart, knowing you and our moments in life were irreplaceable, unforgettable, still I tried. It didn’t work.
Watching two kids sleep in my church library is where it happened, the quick glance of what I missed and longed to have returned to me. My mind locked you away for so long that the number I swore I had memorized was familiar but wasn’t registering.
To your “hello.”
I replied, ” Hi. Who’s this?”
You stated your name and I hesitated. Its like I felt every emotion in one, unable to describe it, just able to feel it but I didn’t want to admit I missed you.
Alex was happy, is happy. Happy for me, for us reuniting our “friendship” but I told him not to be. Why? Simply because my heart is still uncertain about releasing you from your cell.
I remembered saying you were dead to me. You were. Now I don’t know if I’ve dug you up from beneath the evil depths of dirt that held you captive or if you freed your own self.
My reply to us starting over then was, “sure”, now I’m scared, afraid of reliving the past, this time beyond measures. Knowing that we have matured in our own ways. A part of me is yearning to hear tales of what I missed in your life, smiling and laughing together again like old-times because honestly, it has been too long. The other part, my stubborn half, won’t allow myself to run back into what I promised to leave.
Step by step and day by day we will grow again, I will eventually open to you. It will feel as if we were meeting for the first time, even though we’ve known each other for almost 5 years.
To the world I share these thoughts.
These are my confessions…to you.