Answered Prayers

Their screams were loud – so loud, it shook the walls.
He swore at her.
Her tears fell faster than the pictures on the walls.
Cover your ears, she told me.
I turned away from the door – running straight towards the closet.
There I prayed, begging for silence.
Curses.
You’re drunk, she yelled.
He slapped her – I knew because she whimpered the way a dog would when hurt.
I hugged my knees, now crying.
Oh dios mío baja el arma – oh my gosh, put the gun down, she yelled.
Shots.
She screamed.
Except she kept screaming.
He was silent.
I prayed for silence.
Never for death.
I did this.
She’ll blame me.

Limits

We all believe we know our limits but how can we logically make the right decision, when we face those limits during our weakest moments.

I believe in God, faith and wisdom. I don’t believe in chance or in mistakes. God didn’t create me by chance; he precisely designed me through His eye of perfection. Shaping me, molding me with love, covering me with His own blood. I am a child of the Almighty King. That’s what I believe – who can condemn me. 

Said last night, “I’m in search of a King. Tired of playing around with these peasants.” Tired of giving people parts of me they don’t deserve. Tired of loving with my all while being treated like an option. Watching those around me surround themselves with people that make them better – while I lie under people who don’t know how to love me. 

“I can have faith to make mountains fall but if I lack love then I am nothing at all. I can give away everything I possess but am without love then I have no happiness.” - Lauryn Hill 

If you love someone, say it. If you fear losing them, show it. We fail to show and speak what needs to be seen and heard but have no problem losing what we want because we feared never having a chance. 

Resentment

He held her close. Tears soaking into his sweater. He kissed her shoulder; kissing all the pain away only to putting them right back. That’s when I begun to wonder how long he had been lying to me. 

No woman devotes herself to someone for years for them to tell her, “the bad out weighs the good and for the good we can just be friends.” Oh so because there is good, pity me into a friendship right? “It’s worth preserving,” you mean nothing to me. Your friendship means nothing to me. 

Because of you, I can’t trust men. I can’t love sincerely because love doesn’t do that. Because of you, my heart doesn’t know how to beat correctly. You broke my heart because you’re not man enough to love wholeheartedly, you’re not a man at all.  

Now I regret you; I regret us. You are the reason women hate men. You promised never to do exactly what you do. 

The saddest part of it all is, if you begged for me to love you again, my heart’s answer would still be yes. 

Dear No One

“I’m free,” I’d figure he’d say. Since it’s done and over.

I find myself evaluating all the men I come across to. Running checks down my “Best Candidate” list. Sadly, I currently look at men as heartbreakers. Shows how much of an effect he really had on my life. To me any guy who says, “hello,” will only manipulate another three years out my life. Ha. I’m just a girl lonely in love, trying to be loved by just the right guy. I’ve joined the club.

You know when you really have to sneeze. The build up makes you feel a little uneasy but a slight part of you enjoys it because you feel it coming. Then it happens – the sneeze. The exact moment after you feel free, relaxed and somehow a lot better than before the sneeze even occurred. Why can’t relationships end like that.

I just love “love”. All that love is made of and what it’s about; that’s why I can’t give up on finding it for myself.

Guess now I can those guys up on dates they kept asking me out on. Or not. Shrugs. 

I don’t know. I don’t want to be in a “lets hook up like teenagers and fake it to make it” relationship. I want to be in a long run, home hitting, relationship. One where our one only goal is to live happily ever after. I just can’t find a guy that interests me. Either they’re too childish, not ready, or they just can’t handle who am I.

I refuse to be afraid of love. My plan is to consume it where ever I can. Yes, I could choose to be alone but being alone is boring. So this is me breathing because at this point, I have to. Oh but when I find him, my him, he’ll be my world and I’ll enjoy every minute with him.

So for now, dear no one, cheers to our future.

Love Lost – Love Found

There I was, sipping a medium hot chocolate in Starbucks near 23rd and 7th ave. Only to look up to find the most familiar gorgeous heartwarming face. It hadn’t been like before, his smile was different, his face slimmer and his eyes seemed so much clearer. It were as if he was reincarnated – a new being.

He batted his long lashed eyes and with the softest voice he spoke, “You look beautiful. How have you been?” 

In that very instant, my words failed me. I guess I was too overwhelmed with shock and busy consuming by his cologne. “Good,” I paused to breathe, “very good, thank you.”

We stared. This man – the same one who captured my heart not too long ago, what seemed like decades ago, was standing right in front of me and I swore my whole body was falling right in love with him again. 

“Marie, I know this may be sudden but do you mind if we have a bite to eat? I know this little cafe down the street that I was heading to and if I still remember you well enough, I believe you may enjoy it.”

I felt like a toddler, crippled and untamed, my hormones racing and my nerves shaking. “Um, yeah sure. Why not?” I managed to murmur while reaching for my bag. 

Instantly, I wanted to take his hand, have him usher me out the door and even protect me from the inside of the sidewalk. We shared history and lots of it, it was natural. Our love was once idolic and ideal – one our siblings would look up to. Until it became rocky and well, who we were becoming didn’t quite seem to fit were we were wanted to go. 

We walked. Small talked. I lost my footing a few times, clumsy me, but he was right there to catch me – like he always did. I found it to be so funny how we lost our way. Looking back at it now, a lot of things could have been avoided. Can’t kick old habits, I guess. 

Jimmy opened the door of the cafe, we found a seat and we ordered. He changed. Told me he was working on becoming a producer, making change where it may have fell. I respected it. Spoke about me finding my own way, working on novels and my adventures as a flight attendant. Life for us was good. 

“How’s love?” The words stumbled out my mouth faster than I could catch them but his expression stayed the same, peaceful. 

“Love comes and goes, still waiting on it to stick,” he said. 

It was the sweetest thing, the way we were with one another. It almost made me shed tears on what broke us apart. 

Time sped pass, the sun took her nap and the moon shared his smile. We relived our love. 

To this day I say, God has the funniest humor. How He works isn’t how we work, if He says it’s meant to be, believe me, it will be. 

Motherly Love

I love my mom. She is my strength and the one person I can call whose opinion I’d cherish the most. Told me this morning, “I know you’re dealing with the situation the best you can but I don’t want to see you hurting more than you have to.” When I grow up, I’m going to be just like her. I have one task left to do and I’m so done. It’s hard trying to keep a leaking boat afloat long enough for it to reach its destination. I’ve planned this for so long and put in too much effort so I can’t give up now. I am determined that today will be a great day. Smile.

Wait On It

Sometimes I feel like my inspiration doesn’t come from the people that surround me but from strangers.  It is truly a blessing when someone, who has no idea what you may be going through, places a blessing over your life that changes your trail of thought and releases your pain. God is Awesome. He sends people in your life, even if it’s just for a moment, and He speaks through them. When all is said and done, all you are left to do is look up and shout, “I know that was you, God”. So I thank Him because although, I don’t see my blessing now. Although, I don’t feel my best yet. God is right there smiling saying, “Wait on it.”

So I’m waiting.

Dream Me a Better Reality

It felt so real. Not the dream but the feel of the dream. It felt surreal.

Anyway, we were walking around the spotlight underneath a domed crowd.

Ball gowns and all.

My brother, hand in hand with his fiance, my parents, you and I.

We were royalty.

I bowed my head for just a second to find you on your knees on the next. Even in the “real” my heart skipped a beat.

The ring, my God, the ring.

It looked similar to this:

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I couldn’t find the breath to breathe. I don’t even remember words coming out my mouth.

You just pushed it on my finger. Determined.

Are you still as determined as when you first asked my father?

The purpose of the trails we face in life are so we can weigh the importance and value of each goal we set.

This morning, I woke up with a knotted stomach and nothing from you.

Where is your determination now?

Hiding behind insecurity or anger?

Rhetorical.

 Guess that’s why people rather live in their dreams because reality never seems so surreal.

Words and a Smiling Face

It’s something about when I wear this ring on my left ring finger that it empowers me. As I’m working throughout the day I see many faces, all sorts of sizes but fairly the same amount of level mindedness. A gentlemen yesterday, surfing around for a while, starts to stares at me. Usually, I’m use to a weird smirk here and there. Well lets admit I’m attractive and I’m sure of it.

Any who, he stares, I smile and I proceeded with my tasks. Eventually, being as blunt and optimistic as I am, I walk by and say, “Hey, finding everything alright?.”

There I go, wiping down screens and he says,”How young are you?”

With a chuckle and a smile I replied, “How young, don’t you mean how old?”

He shook his head and asked yet again this charming question.

“I’m twenty-one years young,” I replied.

We then exchanged a few words about how he found me to be very pretty and how his age was rather old all of which we did with smiles and a smooth sailing conversation.

Isn’t it funny how powerful not only words but actions can be. As New Yorker’s, tourist sometimes classify us as rough around the edges, fast-paced, angry and inconsiderate. When truly, sometimes we’re just having a bad day or, well on most occasions, the tourist are just out right messing up the order of things (walking slow, mid-sidewalk stopping, etc).

All it takes is a smile and a little conversation, trust me, small talk goes a long way.

So here’s my one request to you – do yourself a favor, try it sometime. Remember, it takes more muscles to frown than it would take to smile.

Capture This

I’ve realized we don’t take much pictures anymore. Guess, it’s never been such a big deal.

Told me, “live your life, stop trying to capture every moment.”

Fine. I sneaked one anyway.

“Pictures are memories,” I’d argue, “a way to remember what, where, how it felt and when you did it. Why be against that?”

I’d stun him; not because he agrees but because he’s stunned that I’m arguing about it.

“Like why, why,” he’d say.

Most times he’d brush me off but I’d still sneak one anyway.

My brother takes pictures, he’s an artist. The type that snaps a shot, writes deep hardcore insight and leave your jaw dropping like….whooaa.

I bought my sister a camera. Does she use it? To be honest, I’m not sure.

My point is this….

When I lie in bed with you, my head plastered on your chest, your heart playing my favorite song and our bodies producing the most effective heat; it’s worth capturing.

When my face spreads a smile, a real smile like the ones you’ve placed on my face during our rides home; it’s worth capturing.

So don’t fight me on one picture because each one is worth a lifetime of reasons.

The best reason of them all, our love is worth capturing.